


but your arrow missed

by notquiteaghost



Category: The Yogscast
Genre: Aromantic Character, Coming Out, Multi, Platonic Kissing, Queerplatonic Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 11:34:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3248180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notquiteaghost/pseuds/notquiteaghost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"How do you know it's a crush and not just, like, platonic friend shit?"</em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>Trott stares at Smith blankly, like he doesn't understand the question, and wow he's literally the most unhelpful person ever. "You just-- you just </em>know<em>."</em></p><p> </p><p>  <em>"Right. Great. Thanks. That's really cleared it up."</em></p><p> </p><p>A story about Smith being aromantic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	but your arrow missed

**Author's Note:**

> this is the most self-indulgent thing i’ve ever written & i’m fucking proud of it.
> 
> **obligatory rpf disclaimer: if your name is mentioned, this fic isn't for you, close this tab thanks. if you're gonna insist on reading it anyway, at least comment dude. it's good manners**

"Next question's from Noah, and it's something we get asked a _lot_."

"It's something I get asked a lot, you mean." Smith says, with a rueful grin. "Noah's question is 'Smith, how do you cope being around Ross and Trott for extended periods of time? Do you ever feel like a third wheel?', and the short answer is no, I don't."

"The long answer is more of a rant." Ross says.

"Yeah, and actually, y'know what, you can hear it. Because, okay, first off - it's possible to be friends with people of a gender you're attracted to without wanting to date and/or bang them. I do not want to date or bang either of these idiots."

"Me and Smith have known each other forever, it'd be basically be incest." Trott interjects.

"Exactly. And, second thing - I knew Trott first. I have never, not once, wanted to date him. And my introduction to Ross was Trott's heart-eyed gushing. I wouldn't be friends with them if their relationship made me in any way uncomfortable! I definitely wouldn't work with them!"

Ross makes an agreeing noise. "Yeah, like, obviously our dynamic works, because we produce great content that people enjoy watching. None of us secretly hate each other."

"We do this because we enjoy it, and we'll stop the second we stop enjoying it. Though I doubt that'll ever happen." Trott adds.

"Thirdly," Smith says, "I don't feel, like, left out or whatever, because I don't particularly want a relationship. I don't know if I've ever talked about this, but I'm not a dating person. I genuinely do not see the appeal at all."

"I don't know if you have talked about it." Trott says, thoughtfully. "I mean, obviously you've told us, but."

"Well I'm talking about it now." Smith runs a hand through his hair. "I don't-- I mean, you guys obviously enjoy it, but I honestly don't care. I'm not a romance person. I've got my friends, and my job, and that's enough for me. Frankly, you two confuse the fuck out of me."

Trott pats Smith's arm. "It's okay, mate. We still love you."

"Platonically." Ross adds.

"And we'll still make out with you, of course."

"Oh yeah, definitely. You're too good a kisser to let it go to waste."

Smith rolls his eyes. "This is why people get ideas! You and your unrepentant flirting! Do you know no other way of expressing affection?"

Ross and Trott just grin.

Huffing, Smith says, " _Anyway_ , next question is from Julie..."

* * *

Smith is having an identity crisis.

It's not his first, not by a longshot. He'd been led to believe identity crises are something that happen to people aged at least 35 or older, not 17, but he's beginning to realise a lot of what he's been led to believe is bullshit.

Also, he's pretty sure he's the type of person who just has a lot of identity crises. Life is confusing.

"How do you know when you have a crush on someone?"

Trott raises an eyebrow. "You trying to tell me something?"

"It's a legitimate question!"

"Right. Mate, you're seventeen - you're kinda meant to have figured it out by now."

Smith drops his head back against the wall and groans. "Can you just humour me? Please?"

"Alright, alright. It's like, you think about them all the time, yeah? You want to be around them always, and make them laugh, and learn everything about them. And, like, I don't know, they make you act like a sappy lovesick idiot."

"How do you know it's a crush and not just, like, platonic friend shit?"

Trott stares at Smith blankly, like he doesn't understand the question, and wow he's literally the most unhelpful person ever. "You just-- you just _know_."

"Right. Great. Thanks. That's really cleared it up."

Trott shoves at him. "Shut up, it's just-- hard to explain, okay? Seriously, are you having some kind of crisis?"

"Yes. No. Maybe. Fuck, I don't know," Smith groans, "This is fucking confusing. No one ever mentioned it being this fucking _confusing_."

"This isn't a gay thing, right?"

Rolling his eyes, Smith says, "No, Trott, this is not a 'gay thing'. I'm attracted to men and women - which is called being bisexual, by the way, and saying the word won't kill you - I know I am. It's just how."

"Well." Trott says. He stares at Smith for a few seconds, then claps him on the shoulder and says, "It's not the be all and end all, yeah? C'mon, come play Halo, get your mind off it."

"...Yeah, okay." Smith says, and lets Trott drag him through his own house.

* * *

"Okay, so you know how I asked how you tell if you have a crush on someone, and you asked if this was me trying to tell you something?"

Trott raises an eyebrow. "That was weeks ago, mate."

"Yeah, well, I've been thinking. About it. A lot." Smith runs a hand through his hair and tries to get rid of his nervousness through sheer force of will. "And, okay, this is probably a really bad idea, and feel free to tell me to piss off--"

"Mate. Spit it out already."

Smith takes a deep breath, and kisses Trott.

The angle's awkward - they're sat on Trott's bed, and Smith has to lean over him to get at his mouth, and their faces aren't quite lined up properly. 

Trott makes a surprised squeaking sort of noise, but he doesn't pull away. He does the opposite, even, gets a hand on Smith's jaw and pulls him closer.

Smith doesn't feel any fireworks. He doesn't feel like a changed person. It's not bad - it's quite great, actually, but he thinks he's not feeling the things he's supposed to be feeling.

He pulls away. 

"Well, have to say I wasn't expecting that." Trott says, his voice breathy, and Smith has a brief thrill of 'I did that' that he quickly squashes.

"I don't think I have a crush on you." He says, quickly. Trott just looks at him, expression unchanging. "I-- You're my mate, my best mate, and I wouldn't mind kissing you again, but. No crush."

"Was your experiment a success, then?" Trott asks, and something in his voice is cold and hurt, and shit, Smith didn't mean to use him.

"No, no, I didn't-- it's not-- I just had to be _sure_." Smith stutters out. "I spent so long thinking that I might, but I couldn't tell, not for sure, I wasn't-- You weren't just the most convenient test subject, okay, you're my best mate and I trust you and I've kind of always wanted to kiss you, that's why I had to be sure. Shit, I kind of really want to kiss you again."

Sounding pretty unconvinced, Trott asks, "You want to kiss me, but you don't have a crush on me?"

"I don't understand it either." Smith snaps.

Trott doesn't flinch, though, just nods. "Okay. I can deal with that. I don't have a crush on you, either, so. It’s for the best, really.”

“But, like, you could? Have a crush on me?” Smith asks, before he can stop himself, and then winces and hastily adds, “Fuck, ignore me, it’s none of my business, you don’t have to--”

“I could, yeah.” Trott’s voice is suddenly small and quiet, not scared but not brave either. “I think-- I’m not sure, but I. I think I’m gay.”

And, okay, Smith has to pull him into a hug after that. There’s, like, rules.

“I can be your tutor. Your guide.” Smith says, his arms still wrapped tight around Trott. “Show you the ropes. Recommend all the good TV shows.”

Trott huffs a laugh into Smith’s shoulder.

“Do you _really_ not have a crush on me?”

“I love you, and all, but,” Trott pulls away to wrinkle his nose at Smith, “mate, you could not pay me to date you. You’re kind of a dick.”

Smith grins. “Yeah, I get that a lot. Can I kiss you again?”

Trott rolls his eyes, which Smith takes as his cue to lean back in and press his lips to Trott’s.

* * *

By the time the Hat Chat goes live, Smith has mostly forgotten about his rant. It’s been almost a week, and he spends his life recording. After a while it all starts to blur together.

He remembers pretty quickly, though, because he gets a sudden surge in Twitter mentions.

 **Jace**                       @JaceTheScot             2m ago  
@alsmiffy There’s a word for what you described in Hat Chat - aromantic

 **Mad(dy) Hatter**       @maddyhatter           5m ago  
@alsmiffy Have you ever considered you might be aromantic?

 **the void**                 @robotfucker666       7m ago  
@alsmiffy www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Aromantic

 **alien emoji**             @dadjokes               12m ago  
@alsmiffy dude i totally get what u feel, have u ever heard of the term aromantic?

He opens the link at least 3 people have sent him, reads the first sentence - “An aromantic is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others” - and thinks, _Oh_.

“Hey, guys?”

Both Ross and Trott make ‘yeah what’ noises.

“Apparently there’s a word for it.”

Trott gets up at that, moves to lean against Smith’s desk and raise a curious eyebrow. “Word for what?”

Rubbing at the back of his neck, Smith says, “Y’know, the rant I went on in Hat Chat. My, er, my feelings about romance. Lack of feelings.”

“Did you not think to look?” Trott says, sounding bemused. “There’s a word for everything nowadays, mate. Beauty of the internet.”

“Oh, piss off, you’d still be in denial about being gay if I hadn’t rocked your world in college.”

"What's this word, then?" Ross asks, cutting their bickering off with practiced ease.

"Aromantic."

"So, like asexual? But about romance?"

"Yeah." Smith swallows. "Yeah."

"Cool." Ross says. He doesn't say anything else, but the great thing about Ross is that Smith doesn't need him to say anything else - the fact that Ross is happy for him, still loves him, all that shit goes without saying. Undisputed fact.

"Yeah, good on ya, mate." Trott adds, resting a hand briefly on Smith's shoulder before returning to his own desk, and leaving Smith to open several more tabs and get ever-so-slightly choked up with how intensely not alone he's suddenly feeling.

* * *

Smith isn't going to bring it up in a video, doesn't really see the point, but then there's a lull in conversation in Trials and he's opened his mouth before he's really thought about what's going to come out of it.

"So, after the latest Hat Chat, I got a load of messages informing me that there's actually a word for my feelings on romance, or lack there of."

"Any particular reason you're bringing this up now?"

"This track is kinda really boring. Also, let me finish. The word is aromantic, like asexual, and for the record that is totally a label I'm using for myself. But, the reason I'm bringing it up - Trott. You're on Tumblr. You know Tumblr things."

"Your point?"

"Tumblr has a whole ace community, some of that community like our shit, so you are in a much better position to learn cool new words than me - how come you didn't?"

"Well, it doesn't exactly apply to me, mate, does it?" Trott says, as he passes the finish line, saving them from this tedious too-long track. 

"I'm just saying, Trott. What's the point in you having a Tumblr if all you do is reblog cool art, huh?"

"Yeah, Trott." Ross adds, with an audible grin. "You slacking on us?"

"You a slacker, Trott? You a dirty little slacker?"

"Oh, piss off." 

Then they get distracted a bit by the next track, which is actually interesting and kind of cool, but the next lull in conversation, a couple minutes later, Trott says, “Actually, speaking of Tumblr…”

“Yeah?”

“Well, I mean. Y’know how I said I’m not really cool with people shipping me with girls? Got any similar feelings?”

Smith bites at his lip and thinks about it. “I… Not really? I mean, I’d prefer not, but. If it’s, like, an alternate universe, that’s cool? Death of the author and all that.”

“That your official statement?”

“Yeah. I get what it’s about, the whole headcanon thing, so as long as you’re not making me 100% straight, go wild.”

“The idea of a universe where you’re completely straight is kind of terrifying.” Ross says, offhandedly. He seems to have given up on finishing this track.

“The darkest timeline.” Smith intones dramatically. Trott laughs.

“Where we’re all straight and all have boring office jobs and spend all our time playing golf. There’s two videos on our YouTube channel and we’ve all forgotten the login.”

“Okay, now I kind of want someone to write that?” 

“It’d be boring as _shit_ , though.”

“There’s no way we’d stay sane, though, living like that. Imagine if the story was about our, like, slow but steady breakdown as the very fabric of the universe dissolved from the sheer _wrongness_ of it…”

* * *

Smith forgets other people watch their content.

Not that he thinks no one watches it, but he forgets people he knows watch it. That the shit he says in videos doesn’t get exclusively heard by complete strangers. That it can sometimes have real life consequences.

“Oh, hey, Smith - I listened to Hat Chat.”

Smith raises an eyebrow, even though Kim’s in another room and can’t actually see his facial expressions. “Do you usually do that?”

“Yeah!” Kim says, sounding offended that he’d imply she doesn’t. “I consume all your content. It’s good content.”

“How do you have _time_?”

“I’m magic, obviously. Anyway, I did actually have a point--”

“Really?”

“--Shut up. I wanted to say, same. I feel you. About the romance thing, I mean.”

Smith does a double-take. "Wait, _really_?"

"Yeah, I mean, it's not really something I talk about - I don't really talk about my personal life full stop, y'know. But seeing the reaction you got, from the fans... I dunno, I figured it was worth it."

"Huh." Smith says.

"Oh, don't act so surprised, you totally called it." Trott says, his eyeroll audible. "Smith is a _terrible_ gossip." He adds, to Kim.

"It's not my fault that I assume everyone is like me - everyone is aro until proven otherwise. It's everyone else's fault, for making it so easy to assume." Smith says. "How am I supposed to know you're dating someone if you never mention it!"

"Everyone else always assumes we're like them. We're totally allowed to return the favour." Kim points out.

"I like the way you think."

"Yeah? Want to hear my thoughts on this missile launcher, then?"

The conversation drifts back to the task at hand, but Smith can't stop grinning to himself. There's a difference between hypothetically knowing you can't be the only one, there's seven billion people on the planet it can't _just_ be you, and having it explicitly confirmed by multiple people. And there's a difference between names on a screen, people you've never met offering support and solidarity, and someone you know, a friend you see often and know will be there to back you up.

He's not used to this, not really - even if Ross and Trott understood him in some way because they weren't straight either, they didn't get this. But Kim does.

Now he'll have someone he can talk to, lean on, rant with. It's a fucking _amazing_ feeling.

**Author's Note:**

> i am [here](http://monsterau.tumblr.com) on tumblr. this fic is cross-posted to tumblr [here](http://monsterau.tumblr.com/post/109586060551).


End file.
